i have debated writing a post about this.
you see it is very personal.
but i figured that writing my true feelings down and seeing them in actual words would be a good stepping stone for moving onward and upward with my life.
as a friend's favorite poet says,
"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e. e. cummings.
this is the story of how i became me.
at the beginning of this year i was engaged to boy whom i was in love with. we met on september 11th (sign?) of 2011. so yes we had known each other for only four months when he gave me the ring and asked the question.
fast i agree, but they say when you know.. you know.
being engaged is very exciting, but no one seems to tell of the stress that also comes with it. there were many conversations about if getting married was the right thing to do. i remember praying countless nights and always feeling peace about the decision, but sadly i had a really hard time thinking that i should have to convince someone to marry me. or pick me. or love me. getting married is a decision that takes two, and in our case i stood alone. so he decided to leave.
what did he leave me with you ask? to you i would say:
a broken heart and an unworn wedding dress.
its funny how i missed the signs. even looking back i really cant see any, so i make them up. i over analyze every conversation. i over think every moment we had.
was that the time he fell out of love? how did i miss it? was it something i said? was it something i did? he never gave me a real answer of why he was leaving. he just simply said he couldn't do it. and we never spoke again. some people think of it as ripping off a bandage. i think of it as not being able to breathe.
i joked that when the day of the wedding came i would:
1. dress in black,
2. drink black cherry soda and
3. sell my heart to the black market.
luckily the day has come and gone.
i still have all my hair,
i didn't run my car off a cliff, and
i didn't spend all the money in my savings account.
i guess you could say it was a successful day.
i have survived 133 days
and 11491200 seconds
with the help of my friends and family and a special talk by elder busche who said, "when you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. but know also that as you are learning this lesson god wants to give you something better."
my testimony has been strengthened and i now have a more intimate and personal relationship with the Savior through the use atonement. i have hope for my future and i also know that everything happens for a reason.
i choose to think that everything is a miracle.