Friday, August 19, 2011

the runaway groom.

i have debated writing a post about this.
you see it is very personal.
but i figured that writing my true feelings down and seeing them in actual words would be a good stepping stone for moving onward and upward with my life.
as a friend's favorite poet says,
"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e. e. cummings.
this is the story of how i became me.

at the beginning of this year i was engaged to boy whom i was in love with. we met on september 11th (sign?) of 2011. so yes we had known each other for only four months when he gave me the ring and asked the question.
fast i agree, but they say when you know.. you know.

being engaged is very exciting, but no one seems to tell of the stress that also comes with it. there were many conversations about if getting married was the right thing to do. i remember praying countless nights and always feeling peace about the decision, but sadly i had a really hard time thinking that i should have to convince someone to marry me. or pick me. or love me. getting married is a decision that takes two, and in our case i stood alone. so he decided to leave.

what did he leave me with you ask? to you i would say:
a broken heart and an unworn wedding dress.

its funny how i missed the signs. even looking back i really cant see any, so i make them up. i over analyze every conversation. i over think every moment we had.
 was that the time he fell out of love? how did i miss it? was it something i said? was it something i did? he never gave me a real answer of why he was leaving. he just simply said he couldn't do it. and we never spoke again. some people think of it as ripping off a bandage. i think of it as not being able to breathe.

i joked that when the day of the wedding came i would:
1. dress in black,
2. drink black cherry soda and
3. sell my heart to the black market. 
luckily the day has come and gone.
i still have all my hair,
 i didn't run my car off a cliff, and
i didn't spend all the money in my savings account.
i guess you could say it was a successful day.

i have survived 133 days
3192 hours
191520 minutes
and 11491200 seconds 
with the help of my friends and family and a special talk by elder busche who said, "when you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. but know also that as you are learning this lesson god wants to give you something better."
my testimony has been strengthened and i now have a more intimate and personal relationship with the Savior through the use atonement. i have hope for my future and i also know that everything happens for a reason.
 i choose to think that everything is a miracle.


  1. Kylie, there are too many things I love about you and about this post that I won't write it all down here. But I will say that you are the only person I know who can make even the saddest conversations the funniest, and who can say that they have survived 3192 hours of heartbreak (I think you beat Wes). You better never delete your blog again! You have too many good things to say.

  2. Must've been difficult to share this!For someone so young you've definitely experienced your share of a result you are one of the strongest people I am priveleged to know! Dad and i would like to take the credit for how amazing you are, but IT'S ALL YOU! We love you and are so proud of you!

  3. my very best friend went through a very similar situation. they were engaged and they knew things would work but she never felt entirely sure. never got the you know when you know moment. so the wedding was called off and she was left with a unworn wedding dress, a whole lot of wasted money, and unwanted apartment, and unnecessary booked wedding reception. things were tough for a while, as they should be. it's no easy thing to go from engaged to single. but she worked through it and now she is engaged again to the most perfect guy. this time there were no hesitations or worries. the you know when you know feeling finally came. why did i tell you this story? mostly to tell you that i think you're amazing for going through what you did and more so for sharing it on your blog. and i know you'll find someone in the future and you too will get your you know when you know moment.

  4. Oh Ky Ky I am so glad that you posted this and that I was able to read it!! What an amazing person you are and how positive you still are even after all this. You are an inspiration to me and I want you to know hoe much I love you Kylie Jo. I am so glad to see that you are on the mending road and I know when you find that guy HE will be the lucky one that he has YOU!!!! You will make some man a wonderful wife, friend and everything he could ever ask for. Love you KY KY

  5. Thank you for sharing this personal story my dear. I loved that talk you quoted from. What an amazing line that is-that same line has answered many questions in my own heart. And guess what...there is always something better the Lord has in store for you. In order for a muscle to grow, you must break it down first. Your heart is a muscle. What an amazing thing, that to have your heart grow stronger, it must first break. That is why we give the Lord a broken heart. I'm happy your heart has grown stronger and that you in turn have become a person who is more sure of herself. Love you

  6. Kylie. I love you my wonderful ks.